Hello All! Sorry I haven't written in a while, I've found it a bit difficult to write, to be perfectly honest. So I just want to give an update on everything going on!
I went to New York in June to be a part of my sister's wedding! It was a wonderful time of family, friends, and getting to spend time with my sister and her husband! It was also a bit of a rough time for me as well, dealing with certain things within family dynamics, but the Lord is good, and those things were able to be resolved. Overall though, I'm so thankful for my time in New York, and for my family, whom I love so much!
After my trip to New York came my trip back to Minnesota! Yes, I know, I just came from there, but I had to return for candidacy*. Unfortunately I was not able to do candidacy* with fellow candidates, but I really enjoyed my time back on campus for two weeks, getting to say good-bye to those that I didn't get to say good-bye to before. It also got me even more excited to continue on my journey to Belfast!
*Candidacy: A process that all candidates of Bethany International are required to go through. This process includes classes on all aspects of missional life, from support raising, to member care. It also involves meeting with a therapist to ensure the candidate is fit for fielding.
After my time in Minnesota I returned here, to Florida. This has been one of the most difficult seasons of my life. During this time I've been waiting to move from candidacy to appointee* status with BIM (Bethany International Ministries). I've been seeking employment that fits with my carless, missionary-in-waiting status with little luck. So in the meantime this has left a lot of free time on my hands. This has been very difficult for me, because while I might enjoy having some time on my hands, I'm not so sure I like having quite so much time on my hands. The lack of social life here has also left a lot of time for over-thinking. To be totally honest, it's been rough. I'm not sure when I'll be able to start support raising, and I haven't had too much to occupy my time... While I have been taking advantage of some of this time, to spend it with the Lord, I've been struggling a bit in that area as well. I'm being completely honest with you all in saying that these are moments when I question everything: what am I doing? Why am I doing this? Why am I putting myself through all of this? These are real questions that I really do ask.
*Appointee: After candidacy has been completed, and the therapist has submitted their report, clearing you for fielding, a process which can sometimes take months, candidates become appointees. Once an appointee, you can begin raising funds, and are essentially in a pre-field position.
I am telling you all this because I want you to know: I'm not perfect, and I never have claimed to be. I have doubts sometimes, and I question everything. Just because I have chosen to dedicate my life to ministry does not mean I'm better than anyone, or that I'm a perfect person. I get frustrated that I can't move forward at this time, and I get annoyed that I have to wait to begin support raising, which in turn means I have to wait to go to Belfast. But when those questions come up, when I have moments that I just want to throw my hands up and say "I'm done, I'm going to get a normal job, get an apartment, a car, and be a normal American girl." I have to remember that's not where God called me. He has called me to share His word, to bring healing, and to love people, not here, but overseas. That is my heart, that is my life. It's not easy, especially in this in-between stage, when I feel like I'm just floating aimlessly while I wait. But I have to trust in Him, something which does not come easily to me at this moment. What it boils down to is a choice: am I going to choose to trust Him, to love Him, and believe that He has my best interest in mind, or am I going to choose to go off of how I feel. Am I going to choose to put Him or me on the throne of my life. This isn't an every day choice, this is an every hour, every minute, every second choice. And sometimes, I choose wrong, and have to repent. But I am not going to give up my faith, I'm not going to walk away from God just because it gets hard. It's hard, believe me, but I know that following my own path, that putting myself on the throne of my life leads to a hollow, empty existence. I know this because I chose that path eight years ago, and it led to one of the darkest times in my life. I can't always hear God's voice, but I know that He is here, with me, loving me, guiding me forward. I hold on to all the truths that He has spoken to me through His words: "'Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth! The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.'" (Psalm 46:10 ESV) "'Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.'" (Deuteronomy 31:6 ESV) "The LORD will fight for you; you need only be still." (Exodus 14:14 NIV) God will not abandon me. There will be times of trouble, Jesus said there would be (John 16:33), but He hung on that cross for me until it was finished, so that He could be with me, to show me how much He loved me. I can handle this, not because of my own strength, or will-power, but because He gave me the strength to. The same power that raised Him from the grave is alive in me (Romans 8:11), I can make it through this time.
I wan to be honest with you, which is why I've shared all this with you, but I also want to encourage you. I know it's hard. Being a Christian is hard, following God's plan for your life is hard, look at all the obstacles in this world that don't want us to succeed: our flesh, the devil, those alone are pretty formidable. But remember God's promises, remember that you are not struggling alone. It might feel like your drowning (believe me, I know the feeling... very well...) but when we feel like we're drowning, we need to stop looking at the storm. We need to look up, we need to look into those eyes that hold all the love, all the shelter we need. Then we need to reach up and take hold of the nail pierced hand and hold onto it for dear life. We have been given the tools to survive this, we need to start using them. Like I said earlier, we were promised troubles, but Jesus goes on to say this: "'But take heart; I have overcome the world.'" (John 16:33 ESV)
Blessings and Love,
Chrissy
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