Vulnerability

Hello Everyone!

I hope this post finds you well, and enjoying the hint of summer in the air! I have promised a blog post, so here it is, just before the end of the month! The reason I've waited is because I was working on some things, and hoping to be able to tell you all a little bit about it at this point. However, I'm still ironing out some details with the organizations I'm working with, so I will have to be a bit vague at the moment, but I will definitely have a bit more detail by my next post! So let's dive right in, shall we?

Summer is about to begin, and with that I have some good news! It looks like I'll be able to leave around August/September for Belfast! I am SO excited that this time of support raising is coming to a close, and this next season of being in Belfast is fast approaching. This is all pending some of the details currently being ironed out, so hopefully everything will work in favor of me leaving at that time. Now, I am still a bit short on my monthly support, so I do ask that if you are not financially supporting me, that you would prayerfully consider doing so. Also, just a friendly reminder, that this cannot be made official until everyone who has stated that they are going to give actually start giving, so that my sending organization, Bethany Gateways, has a physical record of the promise to give. To those that are giving, or supporting me through prayer, and everyone else who is just following my journey, thank you for being here through this. I am so thankful for all of you, and I cannot wait to share with you all the adventures and encounters that God will have for me in Belfast!

So, as my time in Belfast is fast approaching, I am reflecting on my time here in New York, and my overall time support raising. It's been so much of a rollercoaster time, I cannot even begin to tell you. As I think about it, I think about James 1, where it says,

"But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." (James 1:6-8)

When I read that verse, granted, Paul is talking about when we ask for wisdom, I think about my time during support raising. I feel as though this has been a time when the Lord has shown me how I need to stand strong, how I need to not let my doubts get in the way of his work. I cannot let myself be double-minded, I cannot be like a wave in the wind. If God said he would do it, no matter how impossible it seems, I need to believe he will do as he promised. I can see how this time has been a time to grow in this area in my life. I know that he's done so much for me before, he has provided time and again, when something seemed impossible, he always made it happen. So why, why was it so easy for me to forget those times, and question if it would happen?

The Old Testament is riddled with stories of those that forgot the provision of God, over, and over, and over again. I'm in good company there. But, I have to learn from their mistakes. I have to learn from my own mistakes, and that's what I've had to do. So many times I felt like I was sinking, like I wasn't good enough, like I wasn't cut out for this life, like all of this was too hard. I thought this way because I was so focused on myself. I was focused on my own abilities, my own connections, my own strength. So many times I was tempted to just give up. I was tempted to walk away from the path, the life that God had chosen, that God had called me to, that God had promised me. But every time, every single time, God would send someone (often my sister, or my best friend), or make sure I heard a message to encourage me. To remind me when my own memories failed me, that he had not abandoned me, that I had not heard him wrong, that he was working, even when I could not see. Over, and over, and over, God reached down to my most broken, most vulnerable place, and healed me. He lifted me up to where I needed to be, so that I could stand solidly on the rock of his truth, and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is what I am meant to do, and that HE would make a way for me to do it.

So here I am, so incredibly close to reaching this goal, and all I can say is thank you. First and foremost, thank you God, for loving me through this time, even in the darkest moments, reminding me what you promised me. Thank you to my sister, and to my best friend, for always speaking truth to me, even when I didn't want to hear it. For letting me cry to you, and be vulnerable without worrying that you were judging me, and for loving me through some of my most unlovable times. God has truly blessed me with you both, and I could not be more thankful for you incredible women of God. Thank you to every person that has prayed for me, that has encouraged me, that has preached an amazing message, thank you. You have absolutely no idea how grateful I am for your prayers, your love, your support, your willingness to be lead by the Spirit. God has used you, and you have touched my life in a major way. So thank you, really, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

So in conclusion, I am not a perfect person. God is working on me. He will always be working on me unto my death. I tell you all this, because I want to be vulnerable. I want you to know the struggles of support raising, of being a missionary, of being a follower of Christ. He never promised us an easy, simple life, but he did promise that all of it would be worth it, and I fully believe it will be. I shared this because I hope in some way, it will encourage all of you. That you will know, doubts will come, difficult times will come, but we have to stand firm on the promises of God. No matter how crazy, how insane, that if he has promised us something, and we know that he has promised it to us, that it will be so. It may not look the way we imagined, but it will still be fulfilled. I want my struggles to be a testimony of the greatness, the love, the grace of God to encourage others. That is why I share, that is why I am vulnerable with you all. So if you are in a struggle, first, feel free to contact me so that I can pray for you, second, know that you are not alone. You are loved. God sees, and he wants to help you through it, you just need to let him.


Blessings and Love,

Chrissy

A Father's Love

Hi everyone! I apologize for not writing for the past few months, but I'm sure you can understand that it's been a difficult time for me... We've had two memorial services for my dad, one here in Florida, one in New York, I had the privilege of attending my brilliant niece's high school graduation in Wichita, and was able to road trip up there with my mom, and of course it's just been a time of reflection and mourning for me to be honest. But now, it's time for me to move forward, and continue on this journey to Belfast, and I'm ready for it! I just want to dedicate this post to my dad, one of my biggest supporters, and the one who helped get me to where I am.

My dad and I had a rocky relationship to say the least, if I'm being totally honest. There were many elements that contributed to it's rockiness, but one of the ones I want to focus on is the fact that we were both extremely stubborn, like father like daughter. He was a lawyer, so at a young age, I had to learn how to argue my point. One of the things I remember from when I was little is he would tell me "I know everything." so I would counter, "Okay, when is Jesus coming back?" and he would say "I don't know that" so I would smile sweetly and say "Then you don't know everything." That was us. Arguing pretty consistently. Only when I got older the arguments got louder, and sometimes nastier.

But once I became an adult, things changed. He treated me as an adult. Sure, we argued, and sometimes, mostly because of his hearing to be honest, we'd yell at each other, but he began to treat me differently. It was almost like once I turned eighteen I was an adult, not just legally, but in his eyes. I was at an age where I could make decisions for myself, and for the most part, he respected them, even when he didn't agree. Now, as some of you may know, when I was eighteen I did not make the best decisions. Spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally I was a complete and total wreck. I was not prepared to be an adult. It wasn't until I was older, and willing to be healed, and to change that I began to get it together. But through all of that, my dad was understanding. Sure, I drove him crazy at times, and he'd let me know, but while he was helping me get back on my feet, he tried to be as supportive as he could.

Then, one day, I told him that I wanted to be a missionary. He couldn't have been happier. As long as I got my degree, because education was extremely important to him, then he wanted to help me do this. I agreed, because he had taught me the importance of education, so I found Bethany. I am so thankful that he was supportive of my decision to go there, it was the best four years of my life, going through the program, and it helped really heal my relationship with him in deep, and fundamental ways. There were things that I needed to work out (like I said earlier, we had a rocky relationship) in my own heart and life, and I was able to have a stronger relationship with him as my father.

Before I left for my internship in France one of the things he told me was this "Don't come back for anything. If anything happens to me, don't come back, finish what you started." I smiled and told him that I would come back anyway, but I would go back and finish my internship after. See, before I left for France, his health had deteriorated even further. The idea of him dying was not a farfetched one by any means. This was something I had learned to live with, something that had become a part of my life, and I would morbidly joke about with my closest friends, and silently cry about at night in my bed. This was my reality: that my dad would not make it much longer.

But I went to France, and I came back. He was still alive. I graduated from college, and even though he couldn't make it, he watched it live streaming at home. I came home, and prepared to leave for Belfast, and again, he told me "If you are over there, and anything happens to me, don't come back. Keep moving forward." I smiled and nodded, knowing I would still come home anyway. His health had gotten much worse than when I left for France, and now I knew it was a definite possibility that he would pass away soon.

All during my time of support raising for Belfast he was an encouragement. When I felt discouraged, and felt like I couldn't see how all this would work out, he would remind me that God was bigger than this. That He had called me to this, and He would see it through. He would remind me how proud of me he was, that I had chosen to dedicate my life to God, and his plans. He was very encouraging through it all, when I needed it most.

Then, in April, he was gone. His health deteriorated rapidly, and he was gone. I'm thankful I was here, that I was able to be here with my family, especially with my mom. But with my dad went all that encouragement. With him went so much that I didn't realize I had, that I had taken for granted. The first month of him being gone I was strong. I hardly cried. I thought I had mourned already, in the years before, when he had been ill. I thought that this was it, I wouldn't cry, I wouldn't feel anything deeper.

Then, on the way home from Kansas, I was listening to my music while my mom had her headphones in. The song Waka Waka by Shakira came on. I tried my best not to burst into tears. During the past month of not mourning, I'd also been questioning all of my life decisions. I'd been questioning if going to Belfast was the right choice, if God was really sending me there, if being a missionary was the right decision. I mean shouldn't I have a profession where I actually made money instead of asking for money from people? I had been questioning everything. Normally, in these times, I'd go talk to my dad, and he'd remind me, that God had called me to this, that He would provide, and I had to keep going and see it through. But I didn't have that anymore, and instead of going to my heavenly Father, I'd been letting the lies of satan poison my mind. Then this song came on, and all I kept hearing was "The pressure's on you feel it, but you got it all, believe it, When you fall get up, If you fall get up..." And it was almost as if I could hear my dad saying those words to me. Get up, stop letting those lies control your life, stop believing that God can't do this.

It took another month of mourning, and working things out, and going to God about it, but here I am now. Firmly believing that God can, and will do this. I know this is the path He has marked out for me, and I know that this is what my dad wanted for me. He was so proud of the fact that I had chosen to follow God, to choose a path that is in no way easy or simple. The life of a missionary is not easy, on the field or off during support raising or furlough. But it is an honor and a privilege.

I don't know how God is going to do all this. I don't know His plan in all this. I honestly have no clue how all the finances I need will come together for me to go to Belfast, but I know this: I serve a God who can make mountains move. Who can use a song about FIFA to remind me what my dead father would say to me during a time of weakness and doubt. I serve a God that has never failed to provide for every missions endeavor that I've ever made. A God who has never gone back on promises He's made. So yes, it might seem hopeless, I may go through times of doubt and questioning, but God never gives up on me, and He is always working in ways that I cannot see.

These are the things my father taught me, things that my dad made sure I understood. He taught me so much about justice, fairness, honesty, being observant, movies, tv shows, investigating, pain, sadness, hope, but the most important thing that he taught me is this: Christ is my Savior, and through Him all things can be done according to His good and perfect will. No one and nothing can stand in the way of the will of God, and as long as I submit myself to His will, He will work for my good. Whatever that good looks like, even if I don't see it in that moment, He works all things together for my good. So I trust in Him. This is the most important thing my dad taught me, despite differences, yelling matches, anything that either one of us ever did that was hurtful, he taught me the most important lesson that I could ever learn, and I will forever be grateful for that, and I will carry that legacy in my life, and if the Lord blesses me with children, then I will tell them about their grandfather, and what he taught me.

So this post is dedicated to my dad. A man who fought for equality for the hispanic community in New York, who served for twenty-five years on the NYPD, who had a brilliant mind, a curious mind, but most importantly who went on to give his life to Jesus, who dedicated his time to learning about Him, and committing his life to God, who had two beautiful great-grandchildren, ten wonderful, bright grandchildren, three incredible, brilliant children, two incredibly talented step-children, and one daughter that will forever be grateful for his love and dedication to God. He was not perfect, but he was my dad, and I love him, and will always miss him.

Joseph Charleman

January 28, 1937-April 8, 2016

The Trials and Triumphs...

Hello all! Well, February is drawing to a close, and the four month anniversary of arriving in Marseille is coming up. Wow! Four months! It has not been an easy four months, that's for sure! While God is good, and has been with me through all of this, it has not been an easy road to travel.

Over the past few months I have seen myself growing in many ways. But all this growth has not come without growing pains. Many days I have struggle with culture shock, homesickness, or just plain sadness. But man has God been SO faithful! God has given us so many promises, but one of the promises that I keep remembering is the one in Joshua 1:5 "Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you or forsake you." This is the promise I remember when everything seems too overwhelming. Sometimes life can just be too much, there's too much going on, or you can't speak French the way you want to no matter how hard you try, or you miss people. But God is enough, more than enough, to help you through that. He knows we need time to experience these emotions, but not wallow in them, not dwell on them. He brings peace and comfort when we need it, all we need to do is ask. God is always with us, and always ready to help us when we ask Him to.

There have also been moments of doubt, when I wonder why I am even here, but God always reminds me that He has me here for a reason. He did not make a way for me to come here for no reason, He has a plan and a purpose for my time here. It's during these times that He reminds me of that oh so famous Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Sometimes I need a reminder of this, that God has plans in store for my time here, and while I might not be seeing them right now, He will reveal them to me in HIS timing, not mine. God has brought me here, for such a time as this, and I need to cling to that promise.

The reason I am sharing these things is because I want you to know, that while I have seen much growth, and shared some of the lighter aspects of being here, not everything is perfect! And I most definitely am not perfect! I have my moments where I question God, when I get frustrated and fed up with how I'm acting, or not being able to see what's going on, or not being able to understand the language. God is so gracious, and forgiving though! Even in all of this, He uses me in ways that I can't even see. I want you to know that you don't have to be perfect. Yes, we should strive to be holy, and live a life pleasing to God, but we should not berate ourselves when we mess up. We're human, and God knows that, but guess what? He loves us anyway! I know when I mess up I have to repent before Him, I have to admit that I messed up, but it's a chance to learn, to grow, to not make the same exact mistakes time and time again. I encourage you to not let your own mess ups, or frustrations get in the way of your relationship with God. Go to Him, repent, or ask for peace, take the situation and grow from it instead of wallowing in it. Trust me, as I'm writing this I'm talking to myself too, sometimes we just need to be reminded of how we should react in these situations. Love you all!

Blessings and Love,

Chrissy

We are Never, Ever, EVER Getting Back Together!

So earlier this week I was listening to Taylor Swift (And no, this is not meant to spark some debate of T-Swift haters/lovers, so keep your opinions on her, and her music to yourself...) and the song We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together. If you haven't heard the song, let me break it down for you simply: Taylor tells this guy that she's been on and off with, for what seems like quite a long time, that this is it. There's no more, they are DONE. She describes how they are always breaking up, and getting back together, but this time, she's telling him, WE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER! She calls up her friend, and tells her how everything went down, and how annoyed she is. Anyway, the title of the song, pretty much explains it all.
Now, there is a point to all of this, so bear with me! I have heard this song probably a hundred times, and at first, I hated it. Then it was always stuck in my head, and then I liked it. Now, I just listen to it if it comes on the radio, but not purposely. But let me tell you, when I heard it the other day, oh man did I need to hear it. Here is the point to my story of this song, and my long story short: We NEED to be saying this to sin! This past Sunday we had an excellent sermon on breaking free of the chains of sin, which is the similar conclusion I came to when listening to this song in a new and different light. Sin, in many ways, is that ex-boyfriend that we are always getting back together with. We know it's bad for us, that the relationship is going NOWHERE good, and we just keep hurting ourselves. But every time we break up, we begin to miss the way it made us feel, the fun we might have had, or the people we participated in it with. Sometimes, sin will entice us back, calling us up to whisper in our ear how much it misses us, how much it wants us back. And we cave, finding ourselves back in that toxic relationship. Oh, we know nothing can come of it, and our friends, even the Holy Spirit, will remind us what we're doing is wrong, but we are stuck in this cycle, when what we need to tell sin is: We are never, ever, EVER getting back together!
Lately, I've been in this particular battle with doubt. Doubting I'm doing the right thing. Doubting that God will do what He said He would, and provide. Doubting I'm making the right decision. And that is exactly what came to mind when I heard that song. I could really feel the Lord changing the words for me in such a way that I needed to realize: I needed to break up with doubt. For good. Later that night, I had my quiet time with Him, and continued that conversation. He showed me what His word said; He reminded me of Abraham. How Abraham's faith was tested when the Lord asked Him to sacrifice Isaac, and Abraham agreed. Without question, he took his son to Mount Moriah, and trusted the Lord would provide. And we all know the story, the Lord provided a sacrifice so that Isaac, Abraham's son, would not have to be sacrificed. Abraham named the place "The LORD Will Provide". Wow. How can we argue with that?
Time and again, the Lord proves Himself faithful, in His word, and in my life. So I knew, I had to break up with doubt. I needed to end it, we were DONE. Since that decision, my life has felt less stressful, worry is gone too! I have had multiple people confirm what the Lord has told me, and I have become so much more confident in not only going to France, but in knowing that the Lord is going to do this Himself, in His timing. At this point, it would be a miracle, but I don't doubt for a second that He will perform one. The Lord has encouraged me with these verses from Romans, and I want to share them with you now,

He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future,nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:32,37-39

So if you are struggling with sin, or with doubt, break up with it! Tell it that you are never, ever, EVER getting back together! Through the strength of the Holy Spirit, and the love of Christ, you can do it! When we were adopted into the family of God, we were raised from the dead, and we are no longer bound by the chains of sin, we have been made free in Christ, but we need to make the effort! Faith without works is dead, so know, and trust that where you fall short, God will carry you the rest of the way.

You, my brothers, were called to be free, but do not use your freedom to indulge in sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself."

Galatians 5:13 & 14